Chicago Wedding and Bridal Blog

After months of speculation and hype, Prince William and Catherine Middletonare married! 2 Billion people were watching around the globe, due to the interconnectedness of the internet and Cable/TV networks. Prince William & Catherine Middleton did not disappoint! Their wedding has had all the royal pageantry that one would expect and at the same time seems simpler and more down to earth than Royal Weddings of the past.

Catherine’s dress is beautiful as expected. Ivory though, not white. Possibly a more modern choice? Her train was not as long as other Royal Brides but this is more practical because every foot of train adds another few pounds of fabric and is very heavy to carry. Catherine’s veil was short (fingertip length) and edged with intricate lace. A more traditional look than I expected and the veil was not a light fluffy material so it clung to her hair rather than floated above it. This may have been on purpose because the wind can blow Catherine’s hair around a lot and she did decide to wear it down rather than up, which was more modern also.

The wedding dress itself was a very conservative design that felt like a modern take on a very traditional look. (almost a modern medieval revival feel to it, kinda also looked sound-of-music to me) The lace overlay on her shoulders and sleeves was really amazing and most likely hand made. The dress did have lace around the edge of the skirt and train but it was not visible from afar. Only in pictures showing it up close.

William looked happy and at times concerned for Catherine trying to navigate in and out of carriages in this dress. Catherine’s dress did have less fullness to the skirt than many royal wedding gowns in the past but it  is still a challenge for anyone who runs around in jeans or skirts to navigate in a floor length gown with a train and petticoat. I found it to be cumbersome and difficult to move in, and mine wasn’t nearly as long.

Prince William and Prince Harry both looked very royal in their military/royal uniforms. The Queen, Camilla and Mrs. Middleton all looked very casual in comparison to William & Kate. All three of them wore very pastel colors and had a just below the knee length to their dresses/jackets that looked like something to wear to Easter Sunday Mass. I think this may have been an attempt to be less formal than in the past and also stand apart from the couple getting married. The photos on the balcony after the wedding also showed that the families were off to both sides and Kate & William were in the center alone. I’m not sure why that would be, except to let them shine, yet it didn’t look like the family was very close.

There are so many interesting details to this wedding that were different than what you would have anticipated. One is that the carriage they rode back from the ceremony in, was open. No covered carriage with windows or bullet proof glass like in the past. This looks more accessible and down to earth. Catherine’s bouquet was a small bouquet by royal standards, made of Lilly of the valley, sweet William and hyacinth. Very non-traditional wedding flowers, and no sight of the Royal Myrtle talked about in tradition. One thing about that bouquet, it was likely very fragrant.

Another interesting design idea was bringing in live trees in pots to line the abbey isle to give the feeling of being outside and bring nature into the ceremony. These trees will be replanted, and they specified that the other plants that can’t be replanted be donated to charity after the wedding. It is nice that they have taken some cues to respect nature in the process of the wedding and also do things like donate to charity and ask for donations to charity instead of gifts. It is a new take on the Royal Lifestyle.

Another twist on tradition was to drive off in Prince Charles vintage Aston Martin convertible after the procession was complete. I think the public identifies with an image of a just married couple in a car together more than the formality of a carriage. And its a nice twist that they used a car they already had. Saves a little bit on the budget.

I am so happy for Catherine and William. They have put together a wedding that was both royal and down to earth at the same time and despite all the hard work and planning that must have gone into it, they look like they were pretty relaxed and happy. Congratulations you two, we all wish you the best of health and happiness together.

Vera Wang Wedding Gowns for David's Bridal Stores

Whoa, I just read that Vera Wang has designed a line of Wedding Gowns/Dresses for the David’s Bridal Chain Stores. This is the shock of the month. Why would she do that?

On one hand Vera Wang has headed a design company that has produced many of the most elegant wedding gowns and formal gowns I’ve ever seen. She combines classic lines, elegant materials and modern simplicity better than anyone else. They are always a great mix of traditional and modern at the same time, never too frilly, never too plain.

On the other hand, David’s Bridal Stores are the most affordable place to find wedding gowns. That means that they are usually a few seasons behind in styles, they use cheaper synthetic fabrics and the gowns are generally made simply and don’t really support a fuller figure very well. I tried on dresses there and I didn’t find anything I could wear.

Could this be the beginning of a wonderful relationship?

Years ago David’s Bridal started design partnerships with two of the most popular wedding gown designers of the time: Oleg Cassini and Galina. Now who has heard of them? Nobody in the last 10 years.

The dresses I saw from these designers in 2008-2009 were not fashionable enough, not elegant enough and kinda felt cheap. Does this past experience mean that the huge corporate chain mentality will slowly smother the Vera Wang brand? I hope not. And I hope she has not just sold out.

I know it is the corporate leadership’s preference in many cases to use the cheapest materials and have the largest margins on dresses. It is also their preference to outsource as much as possible to China and hire the cheapest designers that they can (the ones that do the daily work, not the licensing partnership with Vera)  This series of compromises usually waters down the product with too much mediocrity and too many changes due to unforseen circumstances. I would be very suprised if in 2-3 years the dresses from the Vera Wang White Collection at David’s are still popular. And that they haven’t tarnished her own personal bridal line collection.

That said, 9 out of the 12 dresses I’ve seen look good in the marketing photos. The Grace Kelly inspired dress with the illusion overlay is very 1950′s retro with a modern twist. I really think people are over the strapless dress trend that has dominated Wedding Gowns in the last 10 years and women want to have stylish gowns that cover up more. Not everyone has the perfect body for a strapless gown. That said, they still want to look like they are going to the Oscars at the same time so glamour is very important. Tradition and vintage details seem to continue their importance in wedding gown styles also. Vera Wang’s regular wedding gown line has a more edgy feel, more disorganized in the placement of details and more modern shapes. You can still see the difference, but there are a lot of details that flow over from the high end line to the low end.

I think these gowns will do well initially and the real test will be 2-3 years from now when it is easy to lose momentum. That said, I am very glad that David’s Bridal is interested in keeping the cost of a wedding gown below $1,000 (and in many cases below $500) which is a huge plus for hundreds of thousands of brides across the country. I wish more companies were able to do this especially in a recession-like time we are in. The Vera Wang Gowns are more expensive than the typical David’s Bridal Dress at about $1,200-$1,400. That is about double what the normal David’s dress costs and far less than half the cost of the normal Vera Wang Gown.

Prince William and Catherine Middleton have had Buckingham Palace send out the invitations for the Royal Wedding this week. I think we all forgot how lucky they are to have a staff to do these tasks for them, although there is far more to planning a Royal Wedding than an average wedding. I almost expected to see Kate & William stuffing envelopes with the staff, but I guess not. 

I remember staying up until 1AM trying to figure out how my husband’s color laser printer was going to feed all these envelopes to print on, and we had to stuff them ourselves too.

All the stationery we had for our wedding, from the save the date cards to the invitations, place-cards, menus and programs were challenging. We had some printed for us (The save the date & invitations were from Wedding Paper Divas / TinyPrints) and the rest we had to do ourselves. Finding stock images that could work in the design was a challenge. Getting things printed, cut, packaged and ready was another story. It is a lot of work. Some people print the whole invitation and all the inserts with response info themselves, I can’t imagine how much time that would take!

Even making the choice about your wedding invitations can be challenging. There are no less than 1 million designs out there for wedding invitations. Looking online seemed simpler than looking through huge books at stationery stores. The designs online were more modern also.

William & Catherine’s wedding invitation is much simpler than I thought it would be. I am sure it is engraved and all, but there isn’t any design personality there and it almost doesn’t even seem Royal. I suppose this could be in response to the recession and keeping it simple. I expected more flourishes, more script and more color.

The good thing is that you can do anything you want with designing your wedding invitations as long as it has the right information on it. Some people think that wedding invitations are really a waste of money because they get tossed in the recycle bin by most people right after the wedding. I don’t think everyone tosses them in the bin, I think friends and family do save them, and for the family archive you should think of having something that you would be proud to show your kids someday. The demo version of mine is at left below Kate & William’s, but there are even more beautiful invitations available now than there were in 2009.

Whatever you decide with your wedding invitations, make sure you love them. They cost a lot of money and can’t be returned. Try and ignore the advice from everyone else, it is your wedding and your decision.

The trend to re-use vintage engagement rings in weddings continues! The highest profile wedding I’ve seen yet has been announced between Prince William and Kate Middleton today. I am sure that many details about their wedding will honor the tradition of the royal family but the one thing nobody saw coming was that Prince William had his Princess Diana’s sapphire engagement ring and would use it to propose to Kate Middleton. (and does Prince William have a last name? does anyone in the royal family?)

My vintage ring and my husbands. The rings don't match but our hearts do.

I think some people may wonder about the superstition of using a family ring from someone like this. Does the ring’s dramatic past bring more drama to their lives in the future as well? I have a family ring from my husband’s family, originating four generations ago. I know there has been some drama associated with my ring and I do my best to remember that the situations were the cause of the drama, not the ring. I hope the grandmother and great great grandmother would feel proud to know I am wearing it now. I know my marriage truly depends on me and my husband and what we bring to it.

I do believe that Prince William meant well to include his mother’s ring in the engagement and genuinely wanted to honor her memory and all that she provided for him in life. These moments may be the first time you think of your life repeating the patterns of your parents/grandparents/ancestors and you realize that you do owe them the honor and respect of continuing with traditions that have lived far longer than you have.

In this case I think the sapphire and diamond ring represents the traditions of the past and the hope that Princess Diana had for changing the royal family and creating a new life for her family. Sure, things got off track but I think Prince William wants to continue a more realistic royal life and Kate Middleton does also. This may be the point where they start where Princess Diana left off and see where it goes from a public life perspective.

It isn’t easy being married at first for anyone I hope the pressures of the public life and the media don’t make it harder than they need to nor put so much pressure on them that they end up at odds. Nobody is perfect in a relationship and learning about yourself and your partner to keep it going is a lifelong journey.

My personal suggestions (from an average wedding) to Kate & William for surviving the royal wedding and planning process are:

1. Get a lot of help with the planning. Oversee but delegate a lot.

2. Form some opinions about what you want before everyone bombards you with the endless requirements or endless choices involved with the wedding formalities and details.

3. Plan some time to yourselves while engaged and on the actual wedding day away from everyone to take in the moments between the two of you privately and really experience it to the fullest because the day goes by so fast.

4. Take test pictures beforehand if possible to speed it up on the day of the wedding, standing there for hours while being photographed from all angles/locations to find the best shot is exhausting!

5. Practice being on your feet/walking for about 8 hours so your feet adjust. Mine were in so much pain just because I’m a desk worker and don’t spend much time standing. It wasn’t even the shoes, I took them off and my feet still hurt like crazy just because they were swollen from standing so long.

6. Have the family and events organized by someone other than you so that whatever the schedule, it goes quickly and you don’t have to keep tabs on it. (you probably have this covered already)

7. Honor those that came before you somehow in the ceremony and the day. The continuation of the family through marriage is as much a family tradition as a religious one. We would not be here if it were not for those who came before us and provided a life for us. It is always a challenge to be modern and yet traditional but that is what our generation is all about, mixing it up.

I’m sure everything else will come together wonderfully since you have the best wedding planning resources anyone could ever want and the entire country (and most of the world) behind you wanting things to go well and help in their own little way. I know this is a lot of pressure yet at the same time it is a lot of support. Best of luck to you both!

I’ve been looking at the trends in wedding flowers since I got married last year and the interesting thing I’ve found is that there is no one trend everyone is doing right now. There are more options than ever for incorporating flowers into your wedding and the events surrounding it. Don’t forget that you can order some flowers locally from your neighborhood florist and others through an online florist to save time and send flowers for the rehersal dinner or brunch the day before. (or even the table arangements)

They do offer full wedding flower packages online but not knowing which florist will be handling the flower delivery or seeing a test design in person before the big day may be somewhat nervous for a bride ordering online. You may want to order some test arangements from the site beforehand to see what the quality and colors look like in person. The prices can be a lot less than your local florist.

The major styles of wedding flowers to choose from are:

1. All white.  (or Ivory) This is very traditional. White signifies purity, beauty and the significance of the occasion. White roses, lillies and orchids are all wonderful choices. Some people mix in some pastel green, yellow or pink with the white for some variety. (try fresia for fragrance)

2. Super Bright. This is the exact opposite of all white wedding flowers. People who chose these flowers (orange, yellows, bright pinks and purple) tend to really want to have a party with a big impact. Many exotic orchids come in just these colors so they lend themselves to tropical and beach wedding locations. Gerber daisies are also a popular choice.

3. Red. The traditional color of love. A simple 2 dozen roses that are opening in the bouquet is a classic statement. (skip the pearl in the center of each rose) A red ribbon wrapped around the stems with some decorative crystals ads to the glamour. Table arangements can be just as simple showing small clear glass vases with all one kind of flower in red tightly packed in a mound of color.

4. Trendy. There are always trendy colors. Purple is hot right now. Green with brown accents has also been popular. Red & White flowers with Aqua accents has also been popular in the last few years. Orchids are the hottest of them all and they last for a long time outside of water. There was a Hydrangea trend started by Martha Stewart about 10 years ago that is still going on today because of the pastel blues and purples available in these flowers.

6. Seasonal. Anyone getting married in the fall would love the bi-color carnival roses in yellow with tips of red. (they’re my favorite too). In the winter white flowers with blue accents are beautiful as well as red for the holidays and Valentine’s day. Spring inspires pastels, but be careful that it doesn’t look too baby shower. Keep the girlyness simple.

Whatever you chose, make sure that you love them. It is your wedding and the flowers should express the feelings that you want to show on your wedding day, and nobody else.

Buying an engagement ring is a huge purchase and if you haven’t bought a new car or house before this point it may be the biggest purchase y, ou have made yet. The range of styles and prices in engagement rings is endless. There are thousands of rings available from hundreds of retailers online (and offline). It may be difficult to think of buying an engagement ring online, but in today’s hectic world, one less thing to shop for among a bunch of retailers that are difficult to tell the difference between could be an improvement.

I recently bought a ring online and am very happy with it. (I’m wearing it right now) I had to go to a local jeweler to find out my actual ring size before I ordered it, but otherwise the process was fast and easy. I knew what I wanted though, so I could make the decision quickly. If you don’t know what style you want, start surfing the jewelry sites online and see what is available that jumps out as an appealing design. Also, look at your budget and find out what size diamond is appropriate and kind of metal you can afford.

White gold is just as beautiful as platinum yet platinum is far more expensive. With diamonds I think most girls want a one carat stone because a lot of people they know have that, but the stone really just has to be beautiful in the setting. A 7/8 ct stone may be just as beautiful and more within your budget. Conflict free diamonds are also a big topic of discussion, but are more expensive than a non-certified-conflict-free diamond. The reality that surrounds diamonds and how they are mined isn’t great but actually verifying anything is very difficult.

The other part of this process is educating yourself on the choices in stone quality that are available.

Diamond Color – Most people want a really white stone, as colorless as possible. D-I are best.  I’ve seen someone with a huge diamond that is yellow-ish and it looks awkward next to a white gold ring. A smaller whiter diamond in that case would have worked better. Don’t let them say that a yellow diamond is “warmer” in color. It isn’t as good. The ring at left is from Shapiro Diamonds. They are a Jeweler offering Engagement Rings Dallas and using sapphires in an engagement ring makes it more unique and saves money at the same time. Remember Princess Diana had a sapphire engagement ring and it was amazing.

Diamond Clarity – This is where you have some leeway. Most people go for the most perfect clear diamonds available. (IF through VVS) I think this is where you can save money. Most inclusions in a SI1 or SI2 or I1 are so small (air bubbles or dust specks) that you can’t see them without a special magnifying glass. You won’t notice they are there and nobody else will either. These diamonds are about 20% cheaper than the higher clarity diamonds.

Diamond Cut – You don’t have a lot to choose from here. Most diamond sellers and jewelers only buy the near perfect ratio of width and depth of cut. This was standardized with very efficient machinery years ago and you don’t have the choice of old mine cut diamonds with wide faces and not much depth anymore even though I think they make a big impact. The shape of the diamond is up to you, I prefer round brilliant cuts but there are so many to choose from. Skip the emerald cut, it is very hard to keep clean and just looks like clear cut glass. No facets to reflect light and sparkle.

After deciding your diamond look at rings settings. Some people prefer really glamorous pave style rings with tiny diamonds encrusted down the shank, while others (like me) like a simple classic setting with a baguette diamond on each side and a thin ring with comfort fit rounding on the inside. There are also popular trends going back to vintage settings and reproducing them as well as very modern minimalist styles of rings available. Getting a set that includes the engagement ring and a wedding band saves time later when you already have that ring purchased.

Once you get these choices worked out, you need to find a jeweler online that has a good return policy. If you get the ring and it doesn’t look as good as the pictures or just doesn’t look as you wish, they should take it back within a month or so. Also, if your fiance’ decides that she doesn’t like the style and wants to choose something else, they should also let you return the ring. It is no fun being stuck with an $5,000-$10,000+ ring that nobody wants.

Always leave plenty of time when you are ordering online. There may be a wait of between a few weeks and a few months before your ring is created for you just because of the manufacturing and diamond setting process.

For any of the rings pictured here visit the Shapiro Diamonds LLC website. I think they have a beautiful selection although they do not have the prices listed online. You have to call for the pricing info and to place an order. If you are in Texas, stop by and see the jewelry in person.

Bridal Party gifts are always a challenge to find when you have an eclectic mix of people in your wedding party and a variety of interests, tastes and styles. Buying bridesmaids and groomsmen something that is thoughtful, clever and not a cliche is really challenging. One site that I’ve seen friends use for getting gifts online is RedEnvelope. They’re not new, the site has been around for a long time, but they’ve changed the gifts over the years to offer a wider diversity of items and cover a lot more categories than before. RedEnvelope now has sections for Birthday gifts, Wedding gifts and Anniversary gifts in addition to the bridesmaid/groomsmen categories that many people have used them for in the past. I always thought that RedEnvelope offered classy items and made it easy to shop online from work or anywhere else to get things done quickly. Anything that helps you check items off your to-do list faster when you are planning a wedding is a great thing. A few items I saw online today that I would recommend for bridesmaids: A silver jewelry tree. For groomsmen: customized pub glasses with their last name. For the Mother of the Bride: A pearl and diamond pendant necklace.

A simple white rose bouquet (2 dozen roses) tied with ribbon that anyone can make

It seems that Weddings are still a hot topic to write about in the third year of this recession. (I know we’re technically out of it, but we still feel like we’re in a recession around here.) I keep running across articles about how to get married on a budget or how to cut costs with your wedding. Most people still want a big wedding even if the recession demands that it is less formal and more casual. If you think about it, a backyard BBQ can be just as much a celebration with everyone as long as there is a dress, a cake and two rings. We ended up still having a somewhat large formal wedding but we’re plan-ahead people and we had help from both sets of parents. I know that isn’t always possible and shouldn’t be required. Now that the wedding is more than a year in the past I look back and realize that we didn’t have to spend as much as we did one some things but others we really did value.

The latest articles to land in my email box have been from the money data budgeting site Bundle. They sent links about Choosing a cheap wedding dress (I tried that, it didn’t work, I ended up buying two) and A Wedding planner explaining why most people spend $30,000 on their nuptuals. (Yikes!) I think her piece of advice about “you’re producing a live show” is very true. It is all cameras and action that day and you better have a good scipt because everyone is watching the show unfold around them. Having good quality vendors is always important unless you have family that is going to cook, photograph and officiate the event.

Some of the tips we recommend based on our actual experiences getting married in 2009:

1. Re-use a family ring instead of purchasing new.

2. Use a family car instead of renting a giant limo.

3. Do the printed paper programs, menus, placecards and such yourself with images from the web.

4. Most of our relatives stayed with other relatives so we did not have many hotel rooms to book for the event.

5. Avoid the expensive wedding gowns over $1,000. They can go up to $10,000 and Macy’s is the wrong place to start. Find the places that have better dresses than David’s Bridal (who’s styles are always a bit cheap looking) and less expensive than Macy’s. All wedding gowns are made in China these days and most aren’t real silk anymore either so the only difference is the style. If you’re paying over $1,000 you’re just paying them a larger profit. (hello Priscilla of Boston). Re-making wedding gowns from your family past is also a neat way to honor tradition and save money at the same time. Sometimes a 60′s or 70′s wedding gown looks amazing with the sleeves removed or made strapless. Knowing a great seamstress is key here.

6. Don’t rent tuxes, just have the guys wear the suits they already have. Seriously it doesn’t look that different.

7. If you have talented creative people in the family do the flowers yourself. Pick a style to copy from searching Google images. You can save about 50%. Mail order the roses/flowers to be delivered about 3 days prior to the wedding (order 25% more than you need because some are always damaged in shipping and When in doubt order white) and have a lot of refrigerators available to store them until the event. This takes a lot of time to make even simple arangements so it takes a cast of 3-4 people to donate a few days of their time and their fridges. They should be made the day or two before and the bouquet the night before so it can all just get delivered that morning before the event.

Maybe Nordstrom has seen how Macy’s has lost so much of the Marshall Field’s mystique in bridal gown sales in Chicago and have found that if you have quality merchandise at reasonable prices, you can really do well in the wedding business.

I’ve seen two ads for Wedding Coordinators and Wedding Stylists for the Michigan Avenue Nordstrom store. I noticed that Nordstrom was beginning to sell wedding gowns online about the time that I was getting married and the prices were reasonable. It made sense to offer lower priced simple wedding gowns online that could be returned in the store if they didn’t fit. Too many wedding gown stores need 6 months to order a dress, what about those people who needed something quick? Nordstrom has a stellar e-commerce site so I don’t doubt that this was a profitable move during the recession for them.

Now they are going up-market. The bridal salons where you usually try samples on and order them for between $2,000 and $15,000 operate on a much larger profit margin. (and make my $700 dress look cheap). And I think Nordstrom is much more in tune with consumer changing tastes and style trends than Macy’s is so this may work for them. I don’t think Nordstrom will compete with the small boutique style places since they either have higher or lower cost dresses and usually work on referral business so this is a good market for them. Nordstrom is a well known name that will draw the middle-upper class women who already shop there for casual and work clothing. It is the old department store model done in a more modern way.

Yet, I hope there are some things that Nordstrom considers in their Michigan Avenue Bridal Salon:

1. Have the bridal gowns in stock in many sizes that a bride can buy and take home that day. (maybe not the entire collection, but having some is a must) From size 0 to a size 22 would be a good start. Also having the right undergarments available for purchase there would be very helpful. 

2. Keep the dresses simple, less fluff and tulle, nobody likes hauling around a giant dress all day. I like the looks of the dresses on the website, many look like red carpet dresses that a celebrity might wear so they have some familiarity already when someone sees them and yet they are formal and not overdone.

3. Offer a wide range of prices and dress makers/designers. Personally I like Anjolique for making upscale dresses for reasonable prices, but I’m sure there are many more.

4. Have shoes, veils and jewelry all available in stock in sizes so they can be chosen together and sent home at the time of purchase. Saving bride’s time in all this planning is a huge plus. If you have great accessories they will be able to simplify their life and not go look at a dozen stores and just purchase these items at one time and go on with the rest of planning.

5. Reach out to current brides through social media and bloggers, they are what makes or breaks your local reputation. People share opinions online and since there are too many choices on where to buy a dress, opinions count a lot in making the decision.

A ring with a similar setting flush with the top of the ring, like mine that lost a diamond

I had the unthinkable happen a few weeks ago. I looked at my vintage heirloom engagement ring and noticed one of the small diamonds on the top was missing. I knew this was bad news and one of the things I feared when accepting the vintage ring from my mother in law and deciding to wear it every day. I was scared that they would be upset about this so I haven’t really been excited to mention it yet.

They said the vintage ring was checked out by a jeweler before they gave it to my husband to give to me but I’m not sure about the design now and how secure any of the diamonds are without prongs to hold them in place. The style involves the diamonds being set into the ring flush with the top of the ring. There are no prongs but there are some small metal beads holding the edge of the stone. These beads are difficult to put on the ring and I’ve had other rings in this style lose stones also because the beads are small, and when the ring flexes if its bumped the stones can come out.

I have decided to put my engagement ring (the family heirloom ring) in storage in a protected place and not wear it anymore. It is a special occasion ring and it is too valuable to be worn on a daily basis. I can’t take the risk of losing this piece of family history with stones from a family diamond mine that can never be replaced. I have to do the conservative thing and protect it. We will have it fixed and the insurance may cover the stone replacement (I haven’t found out yet) but I am still going to just keep it locked up for now.

That brings up the question of am I wearing a wedding band or ring anymore?

I decided to wear another family ring, a plain gold band until I have found the right ring. Yet, for me this is not what I wanted to wear so I have begun to look for another ring, but one that is not the same level of quality in stone while in a much more sturdy and tough setting since I’m so hard on my jewelry.

I went back to antiqueengagementrings.com to find an engagement ring that matched the curve of my band that we chose for the wedding. I chose one with a curve to match the vintage family heirloom ring and this would be the only place I could go back and find another engagement ring to fit.

They were very nice to take photos of engagement rings with the wedding band I have since they have several still in stock, and email them to me. I am going to go with the one pictured at left in white gold because it fits the wedding band perfectly, it has sapphires as side accents and it has triple prongs for extra security with the diamond setting so I won’t have to worry about losing any more stones.

This is the ring I chose, I think it is amazing

The ring itself is $975 and the stones are priced based on what you would like in cut, clarity, color and cost. I’m aiming lower in cost and size because it’s meant to be less of a ring than the heirloom ring and less of a risk. I am surprised at the prices that Antiqueengagementrings.com has for their diamonds and rings because they are much more reasonable than many I have seen in jewelry stores.

I am disappointed I can’t wear my ring anymore but looking at all the reproduction vintage styles proves that there are more than enough beautiful unique rings out there to make anyone happy. And this proves that over time old rings can have issues if they are worn a lot. I plan on paying for this new ring myself, it’s my responsibility to fix this situation and my husband isn’t particularly interested in choosing styles or diamonds at all. So, have you ever had this happen? How did you handle it?

 We made it through not only the wedding prep process and wedding itself, but we have been married now for over a year. Our anniversary was July 11th and we went to the Golf Club where the reception was to have brunch, because it was included with our package. We have done a lot in a year, sold both our properties and bought a house. All that moving, buying and selling does make time fly. We were shocked at how fast one year went and how far removed we were from the place we were in the last time we visited Cantigny.

In the last year we’ve learned what being married really means in every day terms. We got married because we had hopes and dreams that this would make both of our lives better, happier and more fulfilling. We found out that the benefits to being married to someone you love are real, but there is a lot of work too. And that gets amplified when there is a lot going on.

We found that living together is better than living alone and moving into a house that we hope to stay in until we retire has been a collaborative process of nesting and realizing some of our dreams. We have also found that with all the work that had to be done on the properties we sold and the work we have to do on the current home, there is not a lot of downtime to just sit back and enjoy things.

We find that we have to work hard at communicating what is happening and how to get things done because we aren’t actually the best at interpreting each other’ssignals yet. And we have somewhat different ideas about timing for things. We have also found out that the level of responsibility with a big house is a lot more than a condo or town home and its exhausting sometimes.

We also found that we have to carve time out for ourselves and still do things that are just our own individually. It’s easy to think you will do everything together but sometimes its good to go do my own stuff also.

I think it has also taught us about how to be a family. We had three cats when we got married and shortly after our first anniversary we lost our favorite, most outgoing cat Pogo to cancer (he was only 13). It felt like losing a child to both of us. We also lost my grandmother in March and my grandfather in August. Having someone to talk through these difficult times with is better than sitting wondering all alone but we learned we process things emotionally in very different ways.

What does all this mean about getting married? I think it proves that there is a lot of work involved. The communicating and trying to balance what you want, he wants and has to be done all at the same time is a challenge. We do it because we wouldn’t want to be without each other ever again, but its doesn’t mean its a cake walk. We have plenty of stressful moments.

Nobody likes it when you both walk in late from work, there is nothing to eat in the house and all the restaurants are closed already. The cats want dinner, their litter boxes are full, the plants are wilting from not getting any water yet, the Japanese beetles have eaten half the yard and there are bills to be paid and calls to be returned and dishes to be put away and garbage to be collected from the wastebaskets all over the house for the next morning’s pickup. And one of the cats has a hairball tossed up on the sofa. And there is probably laundry still in the dryer to be folded and maybe the air conditioner isn’t working again. This very real list goes on. You divide and conquer, or if Steve is at work, I just start with what I see first and try my best. Some nights you fall into bed at 2am thinking, did we talk to each other today? And I try and send a cute email to him in the morning. Or how am I going to ever get things done?  And sometimes we just open a bottle of Boone’s Farm because we need it. I never understood how someone “needed” a drink until we bought this house. (Luckilly one is my limit.)

I don’t feel like there has been anything that has come up that I wouldn’t have expected to be normal in a relationship. We both feel extremely lucky to have found each other and lucky to get married in our late 30′s. Our biggest challenges have been in the house department and keeping up with our demanding jobs.  If you are contemplating getting married, I recommend it, but I also recommend a smaller house and possibly hiring a housekeeper.

I read this post about how many women change their last name after getting married and thought about how this has affected me thus far. I got married to Steve in July of 2009 and I chose to change my last name to his family last name and use my last name as my new middle name, eliminating the middle name. I felt that a shorter simpler name (from 9 letters to 5) would be easier for business since most people when meeting me would be able to pronounce it. I also thought that it was a nice symbolic beginning to our lives together as a married couple.

That is where the happy happy joy joy ended. I was deeply attached to my last name and it’s long consonant filled Polish identity. What is a Yates anyway? It is also somewhat complicated to change your name with all the documentation these days. Everything from my driver’s license to my credit cards had to be changed one by one and none were quick or easy. The social security name update took the longest, with a day off work because they are not ever open on evenings, weekends or holidays. And there are so few offices. The credit cards required you to call since the website could not handle the change and they wanted more verification from you. They did send out a personally signed congrats card though after the call. That was nice from BOA.

But the biggest problem with changing my name is remembering that it is changed. After 34 years it’s still my innate response to say my old last name and then the new one and use both or explain I am recently married and the name change thing hasn’t quite sunk in yet. I also felt like in a way I was abandoning my parents and brother since I’m the only one that has to have a new last name. Its kind of like being forcibly seperated from them on paper even though you know nothing has really changed in real life. (well according to law Steve is now first of kin for everything rather than my parents/brother so it is a change of sorts in real life too) That is why I kept my last name in the middle name slot. I wanted there to be some documentation of my original last name so if/when anything happens my official records list my old last name too so I can be historically linked to my parents/brother. 

So, after all this I don’t think it’s socially awkward for women to give up their last name when they get married but at the same time I know why some of them hyphenate their names or keep the old one. Your identity and everything you do in your job and socially is tied to that name. It seems difficult to start over when you don’t have to. I also see that famous people probably want to keep their names for the recognition standpoint. I also think that it is an issue that you have to change everything back if you get divorced. So, it’s a complicated decision and one that may take a long time to figure out. It is different for everybody.

Footed urns are elegant and classic for wedding centerpieces - Via TheKnot.com- Photo by Erich Camping

TheKnot.com just posted a link on Facebook about their new wedding centerpiece trends. I am not sure who decides these things, but the trend is really all about doing whatever you want. Here is a rundown of their 2010 trends and some options if they aren’t quite what you wanted.

And beware, as you click through the slide show the site keeps redirecting traffic to TheNest.com and leaving TheKnot.com’s site. What a weird way to get extra traffic. (thenest.com is a site that seems like its been shut down with no new content or articles in a while and nobody responds to the comments either) Anyway the new 2010 wedding centerpiece trends are:

1. Anemones are the flower of the moment.Well, Anemones are very vibrant and pretty but they are also temperamental. You can’t take them out of water so you can’t make a bouquet of them, so your bouquet would be very different from all the other flowers at the wedding. They are also seasonal, only available in spring. If you like the look of an open face flower and bright colors consider mini-Gerber daisies instead which are available year round in a wide range of colors and hold up better in bouquets.

2. Multiple Styles of arrangements- I have seen people alternate tables with tall and short arrangements or use clusters of 3-5 small arrangements in the centers of tables and both can work well. I am not a fan of tall arrangements on tables in any situation or style, but variation can be fun if you want the room to have some more personality and creativity. Keep the arrangements related, if they are each different flowers/colors, keep the color of the container consistent (even if the shape is not). If the flowers are all the same, vary the containers. It you are doing multiple arrangements on each table most people opt for cheaper flowers like carnations, mums or roses, yet these common flowers can be arranged in a very modern way and still look very elegant. Who doesn’t like roses?

A beautiful mix/gradient of colors next to eachother on the spectrum

3. Mokara orchids – These are tough orchids that take a lick and keep on ticking. They can be out of water for a while and do well in bouquets and centerpieces. Their main drawback is the limited colors available. Mostly Oranges and Pinks and a few shades of Red. They are expensive, (more than roses) but I think they give the look of elegance, exotic beauty and originality to a wedding. Some people use them in modern centerpieces and others use them in a more traditional one like I did. The style is up to you.

4. Bold Colors Pinks-Orange-Yellow - I think that the use of color can make an impact but I am not sure anyone is looking for draped hot pink or orange tablecloths, seat covers and flowers. I think a base color of white or ivory works well with splashes of color if you like bright intensity. All white tablecloths with gold, white or silver bamboo chairs can be a blank canvas for a bright bold centerpiece and some coordinating color napkins and favors. I do think that the black and white trend has completed its course and looks a bit garish for a wedding, especially if there is more black than white or the tablecloths are black. You can be bold with colors but use them in ways that don’t overpower the room making it look more like Disney World than a wedding reception.

5. Natural Shapes- I am not sure what they mean by this, the picture they show has a footed urn style centerpiece container, of which I like but the flowers are mixed pink & orange. I guess this means less of the uniform color and more variety. I am reluctant to say go wild with the colors in an arrangement and throw everything in, because the 80′s were a lot of that (plus greenery) and we have all seen that for too long. My recommendation is to go with a color and mix dark, light and mid-tones of that color in the arrangement with some interesting or trailing modern greens. Think Reds with Violet or Circus Roses with Golds. Multiple shades of pink also always work well but I prefer pinks mixed with a color next to it on the color spectrum, find a pink-multicolored rose or orchid and use that as a starting point. I went with purples, violets, raspberry and lavender colors together. White can mix well with light greens or pinks, pretty much any cymbidium orchid can be the color basis for building an arrangement or bouquet on with the centers varying in color by a few shades. The fall colors of rustic orange, rust and reds is still popular making fall weddings very hard to book with less than a year in advance.

Green can be elegant and modern at the same time

6. Clear - Um, maybe like ghost chairs? I am not sure clear is a trend we want to go with. Nothing is readily available for doing this at the reception, so if you want fancy Lucite chairs you will have to rent or buy them. Same for fancy clear chandeliers unless the ballroom has them, but I doubt its the modern kind. It seems logical to keep things minimalist and on a base of white tablecloths when you do this look, only punctuating a few points of color in the room. This looks very sleek and spacey but is not really practical. I don’t recommend it.

7. Standout Vases - yes, if I see one more clear glass cube vase I will throw up. Seriously, why can’t the container be interesting? Just because your florist loves that he can get these vases for $0.50 each doesn’t mean you have to have your wedding look cheap with them on every table. It doesn’t matter if they do the corporate thing and wrap a big palm leaf around the stems inside, it still looks like a million other weddings done since 2004. Get something original and buy and supply it to the florist yourself. I did and I loved the results. For really affordable arrangement containers (most $10 or less) go to http://www.jamaligarden.com/ That is where I got mine. You really have to seek out some new materials to look original these days since everyone gets the same stuff from the same places.

8. Lamps instead of centerpieces – with candles on the table. Um, no. Most of us can’t afford to buy 13 small matching lamps and figure out how to get cords out to the tables without tripping anyone. Plus how can you see over them? Interesting maybe for the entry way or the bar, but changing the decor of the hall like that gets expensive. This makes more sense if you have a tent or room with absolutely no decor, then adding lamps brings in a lot more warmth. Kind of like draping tiny white lights from the ceiling does.

9. Using an actual tree as the centerpiece. This could work if they were really small trees in small pots and you can add flowers/lights around them or you have an eco-green themed wedding. Some people in a tent might have really tall ceilings to use larger trees and create kind of a canopy feeling. But remember you have to buy all these trees and then what do you do with them 5 hours later?

10. Napkin Treatments -flowers on or in the napkin arrangement. Um, no. Too expensive for most of us and then you have an awkward moment when the person sits down and doesn’t know what to do with the flower that has no water. It seems like a waste unless you’re Martha Stewart. I like the color of something contrasting with the napkin, so why not wrap up the favor in some pretty wrapping/ribbon and use that in the napkin? Or place a menu in the folds of the napkin and have it printed on colored paper? Cheaper and more functional.

I think the most difficult thing to remember sometimes is to keep the wedding logical. Every florist wants to sell you something that looks amazing and costs a million dollars (their business depends on it) and you have to be the voice of reality. You can achieve a look of elegance and originality by changing things up in ways that don’t destroy the budget.

Love the dress, the hat seems like too much?

I recently read on TheKnot.com that pillbox hats are back in bridal style. I’m not sure what to do with this trend. I think hats can be very elegant, but they are not necessarily the best fashion decision for brides. Remember the 80′s? Big bridal hats with large floppy brims and veils were very popular then, as were bog poofy sleeves and lace ruffled edged everything.

Since wedding gowns have morphed into Oscar gala type formal gowns these days, I am not sure that the addition of a hat would make the ensemble any better.  I do like other things in the hair for brides. Feather fascinators are amazing and so are a lot of the rhinestone hair combs and clips (especially the vintage ones). So, there are plenty of options.

I do like hats for other occasions though. An Easter hat is always fun and who doesn’t get a little excited at the sight of fun winter hats? Cowboy hats: cool. But, wedding hats? Ah, not so much.

My great Aunt Phyllis chose a white suit and a gardenia in her hair, although this look might work with a hat too.

That said if you are looking for a vintage look, a hat might be appropriate with the right wedding gown. You might want to keep it tea-length, off the floor and without a train. I think a great informal wedding dress is one with a just below the knee skirt and a fitted jacket. Kind of a 1940′s style. Yes, its more mature and appropriate for 2nd weddings, but it can also be perfect for your first wedding.

I think there are fewer rules about what you can/should wear to get married now, than in the last 50 years so if you really have your heart set on wearing a wedding pillbox hat or any kind of hat with a veil, try it out with your dress and see if it’s your style. If you like it, don’t listen to anyone else’s opinion, you are the person who really has to be happy with the look for your wedding day.

This morning I ran across an article on Advertising Age about Bridal Magazines. The writer is a soon-to-be groom and he gives an opinion on the outlook for bridal magazines in the current economy.

I do agree that Bridal & Wedding Magazines probably do have a better prospect than most magazines in this economy because they are such a permanent fixture with the bridal planning process. Or at least the older generation.

When I was newly engagedI received a pile of wedding magazines from my mom (who had already skimmed them by the time I got over to her house) and a few from my mother-in-law-to-be also. Both had the idea that there were wedding dresses advertised in the magazines that would be helpful in my search. (I did appreciate the help)

Later I began buying some wedding magazines also thinking, this is the only time in my life that I will be able to buy a bridal magazine in my life, and they have been staring me in the face for years. So, I had quite a few.

What we all thought was that they would be helpful in getting info for planning the wedding and buying a dress. I was kind of disappointed though.

• None of the girls in the dress ads looked anything like my body type so the dress style shopping was impossible, since all styles look great on toothpick skinny models.
• The wedding gowns are also advertised by national brands and not the stores that sell them so you don’t know if you can even find that dress locally let alone try it on before paying thousands to buy it. (no wonder we end up buying more than one dress)
• A lot of the advice was the same about registering for and buying lots of stuff. Not really very practical.
• The flowers and table setting decor they featured was unrealistic also since most people go with some kind of banquet hall that has stock china and silverware and it is not customizable to your colors/theme.
• All the flower designs and themes looked the same between the magazines. I really had to find ideas on the internet before I got the color chosen. You need hundreds of ideas to choose from in order to find something you think will work, not just 3 or 4. And they get repetitive when a lot of people are getting married and you end up doing the same colors.
• A lot of these magazines are national and the vendors you need are local. No wonder the Knot.com gets so much traffic. They have actual listings of vendors with ratings in your area. I found my photographer there. (not the best one ever, but ok)
• None of the magazines had actual reviews from real brides in them. They were just a lot of paid ads saying everything was great and not listing prices. Prices are something you need to know from the start because there are so many different price range budgets that people plan a wedding within.
• The hair and makeup suggestions they listed were also not relevant because nobody in the magazines had thin shoulder length hair. Wy go through all the trouble of doing up the models when nobody looks like that?

So, overall I don’t think the bridal magazine business is bulletproof in this economy. I feel like wedding magazines that aren’t honest and upfront about the vendors, services, reviews and costs will probably perish in a few years. Only the ones that have a large online presence will survive, as well as the ones that are about cutting edge wedding design.

After all, I thought these magazines were fun, but ultimately wasted a lot of my time because nothing listed in them was available here or affordable to me personally. I ended up planning the entire wedding through email, phone, websites, PDF and sharepoint, so the internet is where brides are looking for information and planning everything. (seriously, the wedding folder in my email has 841 emails)

A few weeks after the wedding I had to recycle them all. I listed 13 Wedding magazines on freecycle and nobody even wanted them for free because they are always changing and they didn’t have any planning value 6 months later. So, about 50 lbs went in the recycle bin. We could have saved a lot of trees by just putting the info online.

So, my advice to wedding mags is to:

• Feature real weddings more than celebrities, and feature all cost ranges too.
• Print advice from real brides and reviews on the vendors locally.
• Print lists of top referred resources by city. location and specialty. This may mean breaking the magazine printing and distribution down by market, but its the only way its relevant. If not, maybe just focus on one area like dresses, then you could cover the entire US by geography in one magazine.
• Feature wedding gowns on real size women, size 8, 12, 14, 16, 18+
• Feature flower bouquets and table arangements in a full range of colors (more options than pink, yellow or white) and mock up a large range of designs, so much gets repeated and it doesn’t have to.
• Print prices so people know what range they are looking at when they walk into a bridal gown salon or store. It helps you save time by not going to a place you can’t afford in the first place. Nobody is going to mortgage a dress in this economy.
• Tone down the buy-buy-buy mode for registries. Nobody has room for or enough guests to afford all that stuff. Nobody needs most of what is listed.
• And lastly feature some information for guys. We found that some of the most difficult planning was finding tuxes, rings and groomsmen gifts. Yes this may have been a direct reflection of my husband’s knowledge of these things, but he didn’t have any help from the magazines either.

The guy in the background looks confused by housewares.

I was over on the Apartment Therapy Blog called the Kitchn (Kitchen) and they had a post linking to another post about advice if you are getting married and starting a wedding (bridal) registry. I have written about our process before but these foodies are more specific about what is required because they know what all those types of knives are for.

I think some of what they say makes sense if you are a cook and do spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Others of us are just happy to have a kitchen aid mix master (don’t ask, we just call it that because for many decades we had a sunbeam) and a working dishwasher.

I think overall the registry process can be helpful in getting a list together of what it is you have already between the two of you and making it obvious what needs to be purged because of age/non-use/broken-ness. It also gets the discussion going with your fiance about what it is he sees as important in the kitchen.

I also think that the process to generate a registry is really difficult. There are way too many choices and it is really difficult to think about what you will need 10 years from now and you can’t just pick what your mom picked because in many cases those products (companies) don’t exist anymore. (seriously, its impossible to find Noritake china these days) 

So, my advice is to plan on making 2-3 trips to the store you plan on registering at before actually registering so you know what kinds of glassware you like (who knows this beforehand?) and what pots and pans you don’t already have. (and read up on anodized aluminum).

I also believe in keeping the registry list small to not overwhelm the guests. I actually think we may have registered for too many things. I was trying to replace things we have that are old and worn out, and yet we never got rid of the old stuff. Maybe when the kitchen is remodeled we will feel like we can use the new stuff? Because now it just sits in boxes in our loft because we feel like its stuff for the new house we can’t buy just yet.

We also had a good experience with Crate & Barrel’s wedding registry and a bad one with Macy’s. At Macy’s they spammed us every day with emails and then deleted items several times that were discontinued. It was hard to find replacements that were similar so a lot of the things we moved over to the Crate & Barrel registry or just left off. Macy’s also shipped things to the wrong address several times after we corrected their website errors for our address several times. It was very frustrating. Crate & Barrel isn’t cheap, but everything worked as it was promised and the items are very nice.

bast decision: We did not register for any daily plates or china plates and kept what we have.

The gifts that we though stood out were:

Most sentimental: The crystal and silverware from our parents as well as some vintage plates/cake plate/server from Aunt Evie that has been in the family for 3 generations.

Most used: The capalon 6qt chef’s pot/pan from my cousin Jeff (we use it almost every time we cook) And the Kitchen Aid Mix Master from my brother and his girlfriend Kelly.

Biggest suprise: A full suite of Tupperware from Steve’s Groomsman, its all very helpful, we just have to get rid of our ancient worn/discolored tupperware now so we have room to store it properly. And a silverware case from Steve’s cousin Ryan and family.  

Most practical: A large cutting board and table cloth from one of my briedsmaids Susan, A turkey roaster & dutch oven from the matron of Honor Amy and the cake decorating kit from another Bridesmaid Amy. All great staples for the kitchen.

Do you have any wedding registry advice to share also?

How many people do you really need at your small wedding?

Its been a few months since I got married and the more I hear about other weddings, the better I feel about our choice to have a small simple intimate wedding in Chicago rather than a huge over the top event. It worked out really well to have just around 100 people and a 4 hour dinner reception.

As much attention as there is for BIG celebrity weddings with TV shows and magazine coverage, I don’t think it shows your love for one another any more when you have a huge expensive event, and I also can’t understand how to afford that kind of huge wedding. Maybe some people have rich parents, but we were pretty average people so even with some help from the parents we didn’t want to go overboard.

We also didn’t think that a small wedding would represent our relationship any less than a huge one. I am not sure how Wedding have gotten to gigantic proportions, but I think people view them as a combination of some kind of celebrity rock star day to have every dream come true that you have ever had, whether it is wedding related or not. I also think women confuse wedding dresses with formal designer gowns and expect the event to look like the Oscars as well.

The thing is you probably will remember the fancy things for a while but over time my hope is that Steve and I remember how we felt on that day and why we decided to get married. I think the bells and whisles will fadw with time anyway, so I am gad we didn’t go overboard.

Simple small bouquets cost less and are lighter to carry also

With that idea in mind here are my top 10 reasons for having a small wedding in Chicago:

10. Smaller weddings with fewer guests cost less. So do weddings that are shorter in length. If you can keep the event shorter it is much more affordable.

9. Your wedding isn’t really about formality unless you’ve grown up with a lot of formal events. We didn’t, so I wanted to be comfortable at my own wedding and be relaxed enough to enjoy being with the guests, so the less formal look of the event and less protocol was a better fit for us.

8. The fewer things you shoe-horn into your wedding day the fewer issues you will encounter. I would guess the ratio is about 2-4 things go wrong per wedding and this gets amplified if yours is planned to the hilt because there is no room for improvisation and no time.

7. The guests have a better time because they are more comfortable at the event and can have some fun

Weddings at home are small and intimate and a lot of fun

actually spending some time with you.

6. Its easier to find a venue for 50 people than it is for 300. Lots of Chicago restaurants would be intimate and perfect for this and really beautiful.

5. If its small, your wedding is more about you and less about silver candle sticks and personalized runners and napkins.

4. You might actually get to spend some time with your new husband and with your guests rather than running around the whole time.

3. You have less of a let down after the wedding if you keep things simple. We had about a week or two after the wedding where we didn’t know what to do with ourselves in the evenings because we didn’t have all the planning to do, but it was relatively minor because we didn’t have a Hawaiian vacation to miss.

2. There is a lot less stress in planning a simple wedding than a complicated formal huge wedding.

1. Its the people you will remember, not the stuff. Likewise with your husband. Hopefully you will remember how you felt about him that day and how wonderful he has been ever since.

our non-matching wedding rings

I ran across this article by New York Wedding Guide  and was surprised how weddings in the Big Apple resemble the weddings in the Windy City. Of course we aren’t as uber fancy as the New York ladies, but we face the same issues with family, wedding planning and finding the right wedding gown.

In the article I was suprised at how many parents paid for the weddings (All!, & Not Fair!) and how steeped in tradition and social graces they are compared to Chicago, but that may be a difference of who you know rather than the location.

Some of the brides had advice about planning your wedding and where to compromise on costs or in my opinion where to compromise on details to save your sanity. All of the brides mentioned fighting/arguing with their spouse about the wedding details at one point or another due to either indecision or different ideas on the vision of the event.

All of the grooms were apparently pretty into the wedding planning which was my experience also. Some girls had difficulty with dresses, invitations and wedding hair like I did. The big shock is always how much it costs, and the decision on whether or not to elope and save the money. (although nobody in the article did, and we didn’t either)

Our self home made and printed menus, favors and place cards.

If you are planning your wedding in Chicago, the article is a good read especially if you have parents in your planning equation. We didn’t so much, we planned most of it ourselves but we asked advice from both sets of parents along the way because we liked their ideas and wanted them to know about the details of the events before it actually happened so they would be more prepared and comfortable without any suprises.

It’s been about 2.5 months since I married Steve and we are still pretty happy with the day and how things came together, (minus some minor snafus) but most of all we’re happy we are together. Or at least I think he is, it’s Fantasy Football Season, so it’s hard to tell.

I am at a bit of an impasse with whether or not to keep this blog open since I heard a few weeks ago that a bunch of my family have found the blog through some links on a site my husband owns. Stupid me, why did we link it?

I started this blog as a way to put genuine honest information out there about what to expect when planning your wedding in Chicago, including costs, the feedback I received, and all my reactions along the way. I never intended the people I am related to, to actually read it.

I wonder how superficial they think I am now that they know we tracked all our costs in Excel and analyzed how to do things every step of the way? Do they think I’m a bridezilla because I complained that the wedding day photographer was late with everything and there were some other snafus? Do they get that I am just trying to talk about it in an effort help other people prevent this from happening to them?

I am not sure, but I have some other posts written that I am not sure I can publish because I know it could/will be read.  I have to think about this for a while.

Merging finances and money processes is one of the first things we ran into with planning the wedding and directly after. The main reasons that merging money comes up so quickly in a marriage were that we had to find a way to both pay for the wedding and then we also had to find a way to deposit the gift checks afterwards.

Before the wedding you can get a joint checking account at a bank (I suggest opening it at a bank you already use and in a convenient location) and both deposit equal amounts into it. We thought about this but did not know that you could have a joint account while not married. (it seems silly in hindsight) If you have other arrangements on how to pay for the wedding (parents or one or the other is paying for the majority) you may not need to merge this part of your finances just yet.  The main financial importance before the wedding is paying the vendors when they have due dates and not fighting about money. We got lucky that we just had a spreadsheet of all the costs and then paid for about half of the costs from our own accounts and logged them.

After the wedding we found that merging our money and financial lives got a little more tricky. First, we had all these wonderful guests that knew we wanted to buy a house and they gave us checks written out to Mr & Mrs ____. Hmmm… We didn’t have any accounts that said that and my name wasn’t changed yet either.

It takes a while for the social security change with the name to happen (mostly because they’re only open weekdays from 9-4, when everyone is working) so we had to have flexibility in the account to accept both names for a while.

We considered using 5/3rd Bank and National City because we both have used them before (and they were local to Chicago), but ended up at Chase instead because they were the ones open past 6 pm, something we need regularly. We were able to open the account with minimal sales pitches for other products in about an hour. At that point the weirdest thing is usually signing in your new name if you are changing it.

After that we decided we needed to get better interest than the 0% in the checking account we just opened and promptly tried to transfer the funds to an online bank because they had a 1.4% interest rate on savings accounts. Interest rates are crazy low right now so it is hard to make anything back in interest but we thought it was a good policy to just start the process anyway. The thing you will find with this process is that it takes a long time (like 3-5 days) for the checks to clear and then another 3-5 days to link accounts. So, don’t plan on doing this in an afternoon like we did.

After all this waiting and planning over several weeks we finally got the right savings amounts in the right buckets for planning purposes. Now comes the monthly bills part of the equation.

I have several friends that decided that they would keep all their finances separate when they got married. I think that is difficult but I understand that it is hard to wipe out everything you have been doing and start over suddenly too. We decided to do some joint accounts for the house, utilities and joint projects and then keep our old seperate ones too. This helps in the short term to give us our own independence when needed and both feel like things are fair with paying the bills too.

We decided we would start with a basic amount in the account to create a cushion and then put in enough each month to cover the mortgage, taxes, utilities and association fees. Other things like the cost of house repairs would come from there also, but the cost of each of our cars, clothes and any other personal stuff comes from our own accounts. Food seems to have fallen in this category, but mostly because we don’t do a lot of grocery shopping and seem to still eat out a lot at work for lunch, we trade off on grocery bills and want to get the points on the credit cards.

If you are combining finances after getting married that are more complicated because either or both of you have property, credit card debt or other monthly expenses you should keep those separate until it is decided how much if any responsibility your spouse wants/can have with them. We don’t carry any credit card balances and my condo sold so we are pretty simple right now. Things ultimately get more complicated once you decide to have kids.

One last note about women and finances. Most women believe they should have a secret stash in case they need to get out of a marriage later on in life for some reason they could not have foretold when they got married. I think the fear of abuse, fear ofending up in financial ruin or divorce are why women decide to do this and in the past it was probably more important than today.

Most women have far more earning power today than 25 or 50 years ago, so having a stash is somewhat less of a necessity when you have a current job while married. If you don’t, then your situation is different and this may be something you want to do. I have read about women having siblings or parents keep an account for them or having one set up in their maiden name and listed under another address. I believe in keeping my original accounts and not giving them up so I don’t feel the need for a secret stash. But it is something for every woman to consider.

And lastly if you really think you need a financial way out of marriage (so soon?) there are pre-nuptual and post-nuptual agreements that legally specify who came into the marriage with what assets and who gets what in the event of a divorce or seperation. It is an insurance policy more for the people who have a lot of money than people like us that are average but it is possible for anyone to get one.